Wednesday, July 11, 2012

A Fragile Lifeline: Lessons I Learned Answering The Aids Hotline

http://gaydadatlanta.blogspot.com/Every Monday and Wednesday morning, promptly at 10 a.m., I leave behind
my daily life and turn to volunteering as an AIDS Hotline counselor at New York
City's GMHC [Gay Men's Health Crisis], the nation's largest social service
agency for AIDS.

For the next four hours, my co-volunteers and I sit in front of a bank of
constantly-ringing telephones, talking to men, women, and teens who call in
from across the nation with urgent questions about AIDS, the ravaging disease
that has left 13.9 million people dead worldwide.
After almost 20 years, a whole generation, families are still facing the
heartache of tending the sick, while scientists continue to be confounded by
this stubborn, ravaging virus.
Although the federal government currently spends$4 billion per year on
AIDS research, and $15 billion worldwide, there is no cure in sight for the viral
infection and no vaccine available. Small wonder that the GMHC AIDS Hotline,
the nation's first, is flooded with more than 40,000 calls each year.
Listening to callers 8 hours each week, I often think the Hotline is actually a
direct link to the soul of callers--an anonymous forum that allows each to
reveal secrets and fears that they might otherwise never discuss with anyone.
A Morning in May
This is the way it began: "Good morning, GMHC AIDS Hotline, can I help
you?"
"Yes...I have a question...[hesitantly] My son...he's 21...and he just found
out...he's HIV-positive [voice breaking] I'm.....alone, divorced. And I need some
help...someone to talk to..."
"Of course....happy to talk to you...it sounds like this has been devastating
for you...."
"It's terrible. He told me two nights ago....he's...he's so young....I don't
want him to die. He's my only child....why did this have to happen?" [crying]
Her son, she explains, had sometimes neglected using condoms, convinced
he wouldn't contract HIV infection from his female partners.
"How could he be so stupid?" she now asks angrily. "Why didn't he know
how to protect himself? I don't understand. What am I going to do?"
We talk for 35 minutes, and by the end of the conversation, I notice I'm
barely breathing. The distraught woman's anguish is palpable. Her situation is
every mother's worst nightmare.The life of her child is in jeopardy and she
feels helpless and afraid. I can't imagine anything worse.
During the call, I do my best to employ the GMHC Hotline protocol of "active
listening," which involves using silence, empathy and gentle probing with
open-ended questions. I'm also having my own emotional reaction to the panic
in her voice, and I'm worried about whether I'm doing enough.
Toward the end of the clal, when she exclaims: "I don't want my baby to
die," my heart plummets: "I know....I understand that, but there is hope," I tell
her. I find myself on the verge of tears.
The Bad News
This mother's story is too common. According to the Centers for Disease
Control in Atlanta, Ga., 40,000 Americans (half of them under 25) are newly
infected with the AIDS virus each year. Unprotected sex and intravenous drug
use remain the principal modes of transmission.
"Teenagers," notes AIDS activist Elizabeth Taylor, "are being very hard hit."
She refers to the three million adolescents who contract a sexually-transmitted
disease annually.
"Heterosexual teenage football players who are healthy and drink milk can
get it too!" says the 71-year-old actress, who has singlehandedly raised $150
million for AIDS research. "But teens are very ignorant and feel invincible. They
believe there's an invisible shield protecting them from the virus, when it's
actually aimed right at them."
Taylor believes in addressing the problem head-on: "Tell your teenage son:
'Maybe a condom doesn't feel as good, but if it saves your life, it's better than
being six feet under.' Intelligence must replace random sex."
Although a new generation of AIDS-fighting medications is prolonging the
lives of thousands, nearly half of the 900,000 people infected with HIV in the
U.S. cannot afford these drugs. Since the virus was discovered in l981, 410,800
Americans have died from AIDS-related complications, and the disease has left
13.9 million dead worldwide.
Who Calls a Hotline?
Not long ago I took a call from a 15-year-old boy living in a small town who
said he feels guilty about his sexual attraction to other boys and is scared to
discuss this with his parents. I ask him if there's a school counselor or relative
he might talk to, but he says he's too afraid to confide in anyone.
Being a teenager is hard enough, I thought, without the pressure of
keeping this kind of secret. I felt angry and saddened that this child can't
comfortably discuss his feelings with his own parents.
I encourage him to call the Gay Community Center Youth Program in a
nearby city. In the meantime, I assured him that he could call our Hotline
anytime, that we'd be there for him.
This call was typical of the many we get from teenagers,whispering from
their parents' homes, confiding their blossoming sexual feelings and concerns.
Our Hotline also receives calls from married men who phone from their offices,
worried about extramarital sexual encounters; gay men suffering side effects
from medications; mothers caring for a sick child or grieving for one lost to
AIDS; even health care professionals themselves confused and requiring
burnout support.
One particular morning, I'm struck by the number of single women who
turn to our hotline for help. At 10:15 a.m. a distraught young woman calls,
explaining that she had been dating someone "very charismatic," after a two-
year period of sexual abstinence.
"At first we used condoms and I was taking the pill to avoid pregnancy," she
says. But after her partner assured her he was HIV-negative, the couple began
having unprotected sex. A few months into the relationship, she recounts, his
behavior became "unpredictable," until he finally admitted he was sleeping with
other women and was addicted to heroin. Now she has to withstand the
"terror" of waiting 3 months before getting an HIV antibody test. To help her
cope, I give her the names of three terapists in her area. The call lasts 43
minutes.
At 11:15 a.m. I take a call from a woman who is breathing heavily.
She says that four months earlier she'd had a brief affair with a limousine
driver, "not out of passion, but because I felt lonely. This was so totally unlike
me," she continues. "I come from a traditional Orthodox Jewish family..."
Although they used condoms, and she has since tested negative for HIV, she
feels deeply ashamed, and has stopped seeing him. And because she has both
a persistent vaginal yeast infection and a rash on her neck, she's convinced she
must be infected by HIV.
Although rashes, high fever, swollen lymph glands, heavy night sweats, sore
throat, or other flu-like symptoms may indicate HIV, they can just as easily
accompany the common cold or flu, or other type of infection. I encourage her
to seek medical help and counseling, but the calls ends on a down note. "I
must have it [AIDS]," she moans. I'm exasperated because it doesn't sound
that way to me, yet I can't get through to her. The call lasts 22 minutes.
It's 11.38 a.m. when a well-spoken woman, who says she's an attorney,
calls from her office, asking for the names of anonymous testing sites. At first
very businesslike, she calmly takes down all the information. I ask her why
she's considering a test. Total silence. Then she begins to cry: "I....I can't
talk....I'm sorry...you see, I have swollen lymph glands....[crying]....And my
doctor wants to rule out HIV...I feel overwhelmed..." Then, abruptly: "Where
can I send a donation?" She thanks me and hurries off the phone after just 3
minutes.
These were one-time callers, but, as in any epidemic, an element of panic
prevails, and our hotline also attracts an army of "chronic" or repeat callers
who are intensely fearful no matter how benign their risk, many revealing
continued misconceptions and paranoia about a disease that can be effectively
prevented. We do our best to help them, but often they're impervious to
counseling.
Most poignant are calls we get from AIDS patients, phoning from their
hospital beds, attempting to navigate the exhausting labyrinth of insurance
and health care matters. One man, in hospice care, said he craved
companionship and missed the "good old days" when he was handsome and
healthy.
That call was a tough one for me as just the day before a close friend of
mine, Joe, who had battled HIV for 16 years, had finally succumbed. Although
at the end Joe was a mere skeleton, he was nonetheless at peace. "I've done
what I wanted to," he told me on our last visit. An avid gardener, he insisted
on a final trip to his country house to see his garden one last time. For a
moment the caller's reality and the memory of my deceased friend blurred in
my mind and I was overcome. Time for a break.
Face to Face
One of the most and unique services GMHC offers is called "A-Team
Counseling," a one-time, in-person session that's free and anonymous.
Recently, I was on an A-Team counselling a 26-year-old HIV-infected
mother from the Midwest. She had traveled to Manhattan by bus to find her
estranged boyfriend, who, she recounted tearfully, had kidnapped her 7-year-
old son. Disheveled, painfully thin, the woman was a disturbing sight. She's
learned that the two had already returned home where the boyfriend was, and
the child put in his grandmother's custory. custody of his grandmother.
Meanwhile she'd run out of money for the return trip, been refused a loan by
her family, lost her ID, gone hungry and spent two nights on the street.
Fortunately, this woman was registered at a local AIDS organization in her
town. I telephoned her caseworker and persuaded him to buy her a one-way
Greyhound bus ticket for $115.00. I also gave her subway tokens, a basket of
food, juice and coffee. Smiling shyly, she thanked me for caring.
Shaking hands good-bye with this woman was a bittersweet farewell. What
will happen to her? I wondered will her health deteriorate or improve? Will she
gain control of her life and be able to provide for her son? I'll never know. One
thing I do know: She'd appeared with the sorrow of a difficult life in her eyes,
but when she left, she was elated at the thought of being reunited with her
child. It seems that with faith and a helping hand, almost anything is possible.
* * * * *
10 BIGGEST MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT AIDS AND HIV
(This list would probably be most effective when presented in a vertical chart,
the misconception on the left, the correct answer on the right.)
1)The AIDS virus can be transmitted through saliva, sweat, tears, urine or feces;
also through deep kissing.
1) HIV can ONLY be transmitted through four bodily fluids: blood, semen,
vaginal secretions and breast milk--and can also be transmitted from a mother

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Father's Rights (and Responsibilities)

These are my reflections on what I think laws should be, not what they may actually be.Everyone knows my position on abortion: It's entirely up to the pregnant, affected woman whether or not to continue a pregnancy which solely impacts her biologically, physically, and hormonally. A man should have no say in whether or not a woman he has impregnated carries to term.This position must be coupled

Father's Rights (and Responsibilities)

These are my reflections on what I think laws should be, not what they may actually be.Everyone knows my position on abortion: It's entirely up to the pregnant, affected woman whether or not to continue a pregnancy which solely impacts her biologically, physically, and hormonally. A man should have no say in whether or not a woman he has impregnated carries to term.This position must be coupled

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Bully Culture

I was homeschooled, then attended Christian school, then went to 2 public elementary schools, 3 public middle schools, 3 public high schools (including 1 magnet school) and finally, GED school. We moved a lot. I had the un-enviable experience of being the New Kid many, many times growing up. In some schools I was bullied, but at others I wasn't.School culture plays a huge role in the degree of

Bully Culture

I was homeschooled, then attended Christian school, then went to 2 public elementary schools, 3 public middle schools, 3 public high schools (including 1 magnet school) and finally, GED school. We moved a lot. I had the un-enviable experience of being the New Kid many, many times growing up. In some schools I was bullied, but at others I wasn't.School culture plays a huge role in the degree of

Getting Knocked Up

I don't know with certainty whether my exhusband intentionally sabotaged my birth control or not. I DO know that his attitude on finding out I was pregnant was smug, a warden's grin. He'd gleefully remind me, while thumping his finger on my rotund tummy, "Gotcha bitch!" And he was right to an extent. The ONLY reason I married him was because I got pregnant. The ONLY reason I took him back after

Getting Knocked Up

I don't know with certainty whether my exhusband intentionally sabotaged my birth control or not. I DO know that his attitude on finding out I was pregnant was smug, a warden's grin. He'd gleefully remind me, while thumping his finger on my rotund tummy, "Gotcha bitch!" And he was right to an extent. The ONLY reason I married him was because I got pregnant. The ONLY reason I took him back after